Recommended
Sunday, 28 February 2010 Written by Jez Conolly
Recommended: It's Only A Movie by Mark Kermode
‘Excuse me, aren't you that budding writer for The Big Picture magazine?' inquired the magnificently quiffed traveller, the sweetly pungent aroma of his hair pomade announcing his presence on the cinematographically moody station platform.
‘Indeed I am' replied the writer, ‘what say we shoot the breeze about your new book?'
‘Why certainly - come this way to my private compartment...' And so began the interview from which the writer would learn the art of film criticism from the leading exponent of his generation.
Okay, I'll come clean. This isn't what happened when I met Mark Kermode. Here's what actually happened.
I was staring into space on platform 5 at Bristol Temple Meads waiting for a connecting train when a voice to my right asked ‘excuse me, does the train go that way or that way?' I turned to discover the aforementioned cinema-botherer. ‘That way' said I, barely able to lift and point a finger over Mark's shoulder, suffering as I was from ‘it's him off the telly' sclerosis. ‘Thanks' said Mark and trudged off down the platform to wait for the first class end of the train to pull in. I boarded the train, took up my seat in one of the mere mortal carriages and sat there thinking ‘I should really make my way to the front, announce myself and bag a scoop Q&A with Jonathan Ross' successor on Film 2010 - oh come on, if he doesn't get that gig there's no justice - but instead I just sat there convincing myself that he's a very busy man no doubt travelling between venues to publicise his autobiography It's Only A Movie.
I offer these two versions of events to highlight the central theme of the book, which I bought and began devouring at my next station stopping-off point. Kermode is repeatedly up-front about the fact that the book is ‘inspired by real events', a nice way to get across that the stories therein have been consciously lent the gloss of a Hollywood movie. He even gets round to casting actors in the roles of the real people in his life, including Jason Isaacs in the lead role - although Isaacs had been a real person in Kermode's life, the pair having spent time at school together.
Not that some of the events depicted really needed any embroidery. It's an incontestable fact that Werner Herzog was shot during an interview that Kermode was conducting with the director. It's incontrovertibly true that his all-consuming obsession with The Exorcist led indirectly to the release of ‘The Version You've Never Seen' extended cut on DVD, of which director William Friedkin remarked ‘you'd better like it, because it's kinda your fault it happened.' It's also indubitably the case that he was ejected from a Cannes Festival screening of Lars von Trier's The Idiots for heckling in schoolboy French and reduced to a Wicked Witch of the West style meltdown at the BAFTAs by Helen Mirren for brazenly - and to my mind accurately - suggesting that The Queen was really only fit for TV movie of the week fodder.
Sprinkled liberally throughout the otherwise ‘print the legend' retelling of his life and career to date we find out about those movies apart from The Exorcist that have made their mark on Mark. The good: Silent Running, Local Hero, The not-quite-so-good: Battle For The Planet Of The Apes, Karakatoa: East Of Java and the idiosyncratic: Slade In Flame, Piranha Women In The Avocado Jungle Of Death. We're also reminded along the way of his loathing for anything touched by the hand of Michael Bay (Amen to that) and his complete volte face on Blue Velvet. Oh, and he's not a fan of Julian Sands movies.
We're provided with a good account of his ‘more luck than judgment' career trajectory, which gives the distinct impression that to be a successful film journalist you really need to be in the right place at the right time and have balls the size of Southampton to climb the ladder. Can you hear that? That's the sound of me kicking myself again for not imposing myself on Kermode when I had the chance.
I only have two minor gripes about the book; firstly he has a tendency to italicise every other word to emphasise the point he's making, so it's not just the film titles that are in angled text. Although reading back through this piece I'm guilty of the same crime myself! Secondly I thought £11.99 for a paperback was a bit steep, but that was how I felt before I actually read it. Now I'd say it's a fair price to pay for a well-written book. So pay up and enjoy. And if you bump into Mark Kermode on public transport can you please tell him that I've written a thumbs-up review of his book? I'm just too shy to let him know myself.
(a regretful) Jez Conolly
Comments
I'm currently reading it at the moment, Jez - his comparison between the difficulty of getting into Manchester press screenings and Tom Cruise's convoluted infiltration of the masked orgy in Eyes Wide Shit (nee, Shut) had me rolling
Don't blame you for being star-struck, Jez - the man's a bloody legend and I'd have been the same, especially since the only 'celebrity' I've seen in my 6 years in London is Chris 'fat boy' Moyles. Oh, and hello to Jason Isaacs.
I ran into him on a plane recently! He was with his family so I convinced myself not to bother him, then we ran into each other in the middle of an aisle so he stopped to let me pass.
Looking up to realise it was him I blurted out a, "Thanks. OH. I'm a big fan of yours by the way." He muttered a bashful thanks and hurried off to catch up with his wife.
In my head it went more like, "Oh, thanks, Doctor. By the way, I finished your book last week but I brought it with me just in case. Won't you sign it for me?"
Sigh.
Jez you little beggar! I was going to write something about It's Only Movie! Not that I've met Dr K... or read his book yet.
Wonderful piece.